Conversation With Wife About to Leave Husband
[This is conversation we had on Nov 10, 2010, with a wife who was about to leave her husband. She visited the Manhood Academy chatroom and had a little heart to heart with Prof. Plum. Btw, the link to this page can also be found in our "News" section over on the right.]
11:30 AM
DisappointedWife: Sorry. I am new here, trying to figure things out.
11:30 AM
DisappointedWife: I have a few questions and was hoping someone was on that could help.
11:41 AM
Prof.Plum: what can we help you with?
11:41 AM
DisappointedWife: Hi! Sorry...I was reading posts.
11:41 AM
Prof.Plum: no problem
11:41 AM
DisappointedWife: Obviously, you can tell I am a female..
11:41 AM
Prof.Plum: i can?
11:42 AM
Prof.Plum: from your icon, you look like a black man to me
11:42 AM
Prof.Plum: standing in a snowstorm
11:42 AM
DisappointedWife: LoL now that you mention it, yes I do.
11:42 AM
DisappointedWife: I havent changed or updated anything because I didnt plan on staying long.
11:42 AM
Prof.Plum: now that you’ve revealed you’re a girl, i’ll put my penis back in my pants.. what’s your question?
11:43 AM
DisappointedWife: I am having a problem with getting my husband to stand up for himself and well....it is getting rather old.
11:43 AM
Prof.Plum: this is a public chatroom. we get our fair share of visitors. there’s no time restriction on lounging
11:43 AM
Prof.Plum: ha, sounds like a common problem i hear from a lot of women today
11:43 AM
DisappointedWife: yeah...tell me about it!
11:44 AM
Prof.Plum: i usually hear it from the dating perspective though.. e.g., “i’ve been dating this guy and...” at that point, i know EXACTLY what they're about to say... happens more often than you think. this is a chronic problem experienced by a lot of women in relationships today due to the damaging influences of feminism..
11:44 AM
DisappointedWife: Oh no...we are married. Have been for over 4 years.
11:44 AM
Prof.Plum: ok. don't worry. what i'm about to say applies regardless of whether you are married or just dating.
11:44 AM
DisappointedWife: Wish we were just dating at this point LoL...just kidding.
11:44 AM
Prof.Plum: ha. no--you’re not kidding
11:44 AM
Prof.Plum: attraction can start for various reasons
11:45 AM
Prof.Plum: but if the primal reason isn’t there, it always wanes over time
11:45 AM
Prof.Plum: a guy can be good looking, have a lot of money.. have success.. he can even be a popular musician or celebrity..whatever the reason you’re attracted, if he doesn’t have authority over your, in the end, the first thing to go is respect
11:45 AM
Prof.Plum: then after that attraction soon follows
11:45 AM
DisappointedWife: Amen!
11:45 AM
DisappointedWife: I guess I am just looking for a way to save our marriage.
11:45 AM
DisappointedWife: To be honest....
11:46 AM
DisappointedWife: Well we are to that point.
11:46 AM
Prof.Plum: well the solution is that HE needs to be having this talk with me.. because you can’t solve it for him.. he needs to learn how to assert his authority over you
11:46 AM
Prof.Plum: you may realize it mentally-- that he needs to be in charge...
11:47 AM
Prof.Plum: but unless HE learns how to do that practically, you will resist him in the process
11:47 AM
Prof.Plum: it would be like you being a child who has never been spanked and telling your parents, “look mom and dad, in order to raise me better, you need to start disciplining me better”...
11:48 AM
Prof.Plum: the problem is, as an unruly child, you already have authority over your parents, so that won’t work.. the parents need to realize they need the authority. otherwise, when push comes to shove, they will back down and neglect to spank you or discipline you
11:48 AM
Prof.Plum: right now, YOU are the boss of your husband
11:49 AM
Prof.Plum: but he needs to learn how to be the boss..this means he needs to learn how to confront you and tell you NO, even to the point of risking losing you
11:49 AM
Prof.Plum: he is worried too much about losing you..so he is refusing to tell you NO...what he doesn’t realize is that that approach will GUARANTEE losing you in the long run. seen it too many times. we hear stories like this from guys all over the world... some of our students were in disastrous relationships.. ask them. you can hear their stories firsthand.
11:49 AM
Prof.Plum: ironically, his ability to tell you NO is what will keep you attracted to him
11:50 AM
Prof.Plum: he doesn’t understand that right now.. so he really needs another man to let him know that...
11:50 AM
Prof.Plum: that’s why Manhood Academy exists today..to help men like your husband
11:50 AM
DisappointedWife: Sorry...had a phone call...let me catch up
11:50 AM
Prof.Plum: no problem
11:52 AM
DisappointedWife: Yes yes and 1,000,000 times more yes!
11:52 AM
DisappointedWife: We have had the discussion a trillion times. He seems to want to get to that point...but is very lost on how to get there.
11:52 AM
Prof.Plum: we’ve had a lot of experience with men in this dept.
11:52 AM
Prof.Plum: well we created a free ebook to help guys like him understand what he’s doing wrong and how to fix it
11:53 AM
DisappointedWife: I cant seem to get it through to him how important it is to establish this type of relationship in our marriage.
11:53 AM
DisappointedWife: I have already downloaded and printed it for him to read!
11:53 AM
DisappointedWife: I want to sign him up though.
11:53 AM
Prof.Plum: and if he wants more intensive help he can join the academy and see guys just like him learning how to do it the right way.. it really depends on how much he’s willing to do it
11:53 AM
Prof.Plum: well i know one guaranteed way to convince him
11:53 AM
DisappointedWife: That is the key thing...I dont think he takes it seriously enough.
11:54 AM
DisappointedWife: What is that? Leave him?
11:54 AM
Prof.Plum: simply be straight up front with him.. tell him: "look, i’m not attracted to you because you don’t know how to act like a man.. i’ve talked to these guys at Manhood Academy and they know how to help you accomplish that.."
11:54 AM
Prof.Plum: you need to let him know YOU MEAN BUSINESS.
11:55 AM
DisappointedWife: I have told him that first half.....even said I need to leave if you cant grow balls.
11:55 AM
DisappointedWife: Of course I just found you guys...so I am hoping this might be a solution
11:55 AM
Prof.Plum: look, it’s not like you’re going to fall more in love the way things are going now.. either you are going to leave him soon.. or soon enough
11:55 AM
Prof.Plum: the question is not IF ..it’s WHEN
11:55 AM
DisappointedWife: And I am having a hard time seeing that....I guess because I dont want to.
11:56 AM
DisappointedWife: But you are right.
11:56 AM
DisappointedWife: I want to leave...I am not happy.
11:56 AM
DisappointedWife: I wear the pants...period. And I hate it.
11:56 AM
Prof.Plum: we’ve helped tons of guys in your husband's exact situation.. the biggest problem with most guys is realizing they need the help.. as a pussy, he’s going to have defense mechanisms to try to convince himself he’s not that bad..
11:56 AM
Prof.Plum: “oh she’s just a bitch..”...or “i just need to work on this one area of my life and then things will be fine”...
11:56 AM
DisappointedWife: Heard the second one too many times to count
11:57 AM
DisappointedWife: Sorry is a word I never want to hear again.
11:57 AM
Prof.Plum: yeah well the real convincing comes down to what happens to him directly.. talking about things doesn’t work with most guys.. they have to see the consequences
11:57 AM
DisappointedWife: And the only consequence that I can see is leaving him.
11:57 AM
Prof.Plum: frustration is a great motivator.. losing a woman motivates a lot of guys .. talking about it doesn’t
11:58 AM
DisappointedWife: He hates talking...even though he has no balls, he still manages to not communicate like a man.
11:58 AM
Prof.Plum: well, the more REAL that consequence becomes, the sooner the problem can be fixed.. you can just “separate” from him for a while to give him the same idea
11:58 AM
Prof.Plum: tell him you’re leaving... then leave.. and tell him he needs to fix the problem.. or else.. then you can get a divorce if he refuses.. either way.. it will get solved or head in that direction by itself
11:59 AM
DisappointedWife: Well...we are already sleeping in separate beds....I guess moving out for a while cant hurt.
11:59 AM
DisappointedWife: It is going toward divorce anyway...hopefully sending him here will help..
12:00 PM
Prof.Plum: it’s not like it won’t go that way anyway... so either he will be motivated to get you back ..or it will lead to you guys breaking up regardless
12:00 PM
DisappointedWife: Alright...done!
12:00 PM
Prof.Plum: the hardest part is realizing he has the problem
12:00 PM
Prof.Plum: once he is set on fixing it, then it’s much simpler to help him
12:00 PM
DisappointedWife: Yes...it seems that way! Now how do I convince him to come here?
12:01 PM
DisappointedWife: I am sure he will skim through the pages of the book because I asked him too....or come here to look around....but I need something to grab his attention like...immediately.
12:01 PM
Prof.Plum: you can tell him this is the type of guy you want.. talk to him and tell him you’ve talked to me.. let him know exactly what you want.. you want a guy like the guy you talked to over at Manhood Academy...
12:02 PM
Prof.Plum: leaving will settle the issue.. either he will be motivated to get help ..or you’ll be rid of your problem because this will not solve itself
12:02 PM
Prof.Plum: it’s either going to get better or worse
12:02 PM
Prof.Plum: not stay the way it is
12:02 PM
DisappointedWife: True. I just hate leaving someone that at one point I did love very much.
12:03 PM
Prof.Plum: in order to love him, he has to be worthy of love.. in his present condition, he can’t love you properly
12:03 PM
DisappointedWife: We have worked on it before...he has done REALLY well for a week or two....and then it just dies.
12:03 PM
Prof.Plum: he’s not qualified to care for your needs the way he is
12:04 PM
DisappointedWife: Agree there! 100%.
12:04 PM
Prof.Plum: you didn’t sign up to marry a chick.. u signed up hoping to marry a man who could be responsible for your welfare, take care of you, make you feel safe, and turn you on
12:04 PM
Prof.Plum: if he can’t do those things, he’s not qualified to love u properly.. all you can do is love him..but that’s a one way street if it’s not being reciprocated
12:04 PM
Prof.Plum: eventually that won’t work
12:04 PM
DisappointedWife: Yup...and its not working now.
12:05 PM
Prof.Plum: u don’t just do well for a week or 2..in order to change a man’s behavior, u have to change his PERSPECTIVE...
12:05 PM
Prof.Plum: temporary behavior changes are just acting
12:05 PM
DisappointedWife: But he seems to love being the one making decisions...thats what I dont get
12:05 PM
Prof.Plum: he needs to change the way he approaches you entirely.. not just how he behaves around you for a short period
12:06 PM
Prof.Plum: making decisions comes with responsibility..he’s not used to that yet
12:06 PM
Prof.Plum: that takes training
12:06 PM
Prof.Plum: he’s worried about the disapproval like most guys are today
12:06 PM
DisappointedWife: YES! Responsibility! Something I have and he doesnt!
12:06 PM
Prof.Plum: he has the potential to be wayyyy more responsible than u could ever hope to be.. but he doesn’t have the training yet
12:07 PM
DisappointedWife: I told him...you get everything you want and then some...but you have to be the responsible one in the marriage....decisions are yours, even if you make a mistake.
12:07 PM
DisappointedWife: Are you married? If not do you want to be?
12:07 PM
DisappointedWife: LoL
12:07 PM
Prof.Plum: unfortunately, you can TELL him that. but you can’t TEACH him that.. a guy has to teach him that
12:07 PM
Prof.Plum: hah.. you kill me
12:08 PM
DisappointedWife: Well his father certainly couldnt.
12:08 PM
Prof.Plum: throw your pic over.. i’ll let u know xo
12:08 PM
Prof.Plum: nah, let’s not go doom and gloom until it’s officially over
12:08 PM
Prof.Plum: there’s no such thing as a lost cause
12:08 PM
DisappointedWife: I damn sure feel like there is!
12:09 PM
Prof.Plum: that’s part of the problem.. most guys dont grow up with a dad who knows how to teach them how to take charge
12:09 PM
Prof.Plum: like father, like son
12:09 PM
DisappointedWife: Absolutely!
12:09 PM
Prof.Plum: you’d be surprised.. one of the other instructors had a total pussy for a dad ..and he was headed that way
12:09 PM
DisappointedWife: I wish we were in Cali so he could do the in person classes.
12:10 PM
Prof.Plum: if you met him today, you couldn’t tell
12:10 PM
DisappointedWife: Thats what I need to happen to my husband.
12:10 PM
Prof.Plum: we have a lot of out of state and out of country students
12:10 PM
DisappointedWife: He needs a reality check.
12:11 PM
DisappointedWife: Alright...what is the first thing he should read when he gets signed up?
12:11 PM
DisappointedWife: Besides the book of course
12:11 PM
Prof.Plum: we have podcasts for students
12:11 PM
Prof.Plum: he’ll get to hear us firsthand
12:11 PM
DisappointedWife: That is great!
12:12 PM
Prof.Plum: we’ve also made videos illustrating the concepts better
12:12 PM
DisappointedWife: I am assuming that I should not stand over his shoulder to make sure he is listening huh?
12:12 PM
Prof.Plum: he’ll have access to all of that
12:12 PM
Prof.Plum: hah.. you can listen to them if you want..doesn’t matter to us..
12:13 PM
Prof.Plum: it’s better if he starts himself.. so he can be more open about his problem exercising his authority
12:13 PM
Prof.Plum: right now he fears your disapproval.. so it’s not a good idea to be directing any of his studies
12:13 PM
DisappointedWife: True. he is going to have a ton of questions.
12:14 PM
Prof.Plum: he’s worried about being judged by you.. so it’s easier if you let him do the course without you over his shoulder..then when he’s ready, you can participate if you want
12:14 PM
DisappointedWife: Alright. Are the courses at specific times?
12:14 PM
Prof.Plum: just the in person ones.. the online courses are at his convenience
12:15 PM
DisappointedWife: Ok. Could I ask him to talk to you first? Just to make him feel more comfortable?
12:15 PM
Prof.Plum: no problem
12:15 PM
DisappointedWife: Thank you!
12:17 PM
Prof.Plum: we keep the chat open to the public.. our aim has always been to help guys first.. we’re an academy second.
12:18 PM
DisappointedWife: Ok cool. I will have him signed up by the end of tonight!
12:18 PM
Prof.Plum: don’t forget to pack his lunchbox
12:19 PM
DisappointedWife: LoL I did that this morning....
12:19 PM
DisappointedWife: Not even lying.
12:19 PM
Prof.Plum: hah. classic.
12:19 PM
DisappointedWife: Along with reminding him to brush his teeth and take out the trash.
12:19 PM
Prof.Plum: looks like we have some work ahead of us..
12:20 PM
DisappointedWife: You have no idea
12:20 PM
DisappointedWife: Are you sure there isn’t a such thing as a lost cause?
12:20 PM
Prof.Plum: you must have married his penis and forgotten about the other guy tagging along for the free ride
12:20 PM
Prof.Plum: the only thing stopping “lost causes” is motivation
12:21 PM
DisappointedWife: To be honest with you...I have forgotten why I married him.
12:21 PM
DisappointedWife: And motivation is something I hope doesn’t get in the way. But it may be I hate to say.
12:21 PM
Prof.Plum: it’s not really why you started..but why you’re still there that counts... as long as a man has authority, a woman has cause to be attracted to him..
12:22 PM
Prof.Plum: no u don’t understand.. motivation comes in 2 forms: pain & pleasure
12:22 PM
Prof.Plum: when enough of one or the other is applied, people change. there’s no escaping it
12:22 PM
DisappointedWife: Well I hope this helps!
12:23 PM
DisappointedWife: Thank you very much for taking the time to speak with me.
12:23 PM
Prof.Plum: it’s always great to speak to new people here
12:23 PM
DisappointedWife: I hope to be thanking you at our 20 year anniversary for saving our marriage
12:24 PM
Prof.Plum: hah. i’ll be sure to bring a blender.
12:24 PM
DisappointedWife: Don’t forget the liquor!
[Here's the free resource she gave to her husband.]
